FEAR

IMG_5458

This blog is going to take a little different a form than most of my writing, because, well, I need to ask a favor.

I need you to loan me a little faith.

Not in the sense that I’m “doubting my faith” or anything; I’m actually in a better (and more dependent) place spiritually than I have been in some time. But I need some help and faith to see an increasingly foggy future.

Let me explain. For the first time in recent memory, if not ever, I am have no idea what is coming next in life. There is no immediate change forthcoming in life, but I know I can only sustain a travel-heavy job for so long. And beyond YouthWorks, I have little concept of what or where I belong.

While I was in college I entertained more ideas than were plausible – move to Chicago to do urban ministry, teach English in China, work at a non-profit in Toledo, become a missionary on a Indian Reservation, enter a fellowship program in Denver, go straight into youth pastor role at a church, try to work for an organization like IJM, to name only a few of the ideas I tossed around.

Ultimately, YouthWorks became the best path forward because it brought together two of my passions – youth ministry and community development. But YouthWorks or no YouthWorks, as I college student I was able to sit in eager anticipation and knowing that something was coming next.

The future has always been kind to me, but is filled with uncertainty now. No big move to anticipate, nor anything keeping me unequivocally tied to Nashville, no next logical step into adulthood, no certainty as to how long I can continue to do my job well, and no clue what profession I’d wind up in three years from now.

I’m just left with a lot of wrestling. Where do I belong? What do I want to do? Where should I live? How long should I keep my job? Who are my people? What and who do I want to give my life to?

The lack of answers that I have is often unnerving, particularly recently. I feel stuck. And while Jesus is encountering me in my stuckness, it has done little to quell the fear.

And so I’m afraid.

I’m afraid that life will be ordinary, and that I’ll never feel as purposeful as I had dreamed. That I’ll waking up feeling like each day is going to be just like yesterday.

I’m afraid that all the positive momentum that I have in my life – emotional intelligence, a more stable friend group, excellence in my job functions – will all fall apart.

I’m afraid of slinking back into dark, emotionless places. I’m afraid of isolating and relying only on myself.

I’m afraid of burnout, and that I won’t be able to sustain myself in seasons of loneliness or exhaustion.

I’m afraid of being alone. I’m terrified of living for just myself. And I’m terrified that I’ll live a life where I come home only to myself. I scared of having no one to share the mundane, the exhilarating, and the exhausting parts of life with.

And for maybe the first time, I’m afraid of the unknown. The lack of direction and vision leaves a lot of room for questions, and sparingly few answers.

This blog isn’t go to wrap up as neatly as others have – there is no resolution, which might be the point. Uncertainty, doubt, fear, questioning, and confusion as necessary parts of life that probably should be welcomed much quicker than I have.

But for now I sit in tension, fear, and uncertainty with an outstretched hand waiting, yearning, for someone to spare some faith and help me see the road before me. I’ll take whatever you can spare.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “FEAR

  1. Very honest article, Trevor. I think a lot of people can – at least at some point in their lives – relate to what you are feeling. I remember years of feeling the exact same thing. Just like you, I was always working towards the next thing. Then, all of a sudden, after graduate school, a good job, a condo, friends…the next thing was not visible. As much as I wanted all of these things, I was so used to looking ahead that I didn’t know what to do once I arrived where I thought I was supposed to be. For example, on my last day of graduate school – a day that I’d been working towards since I was essentially 4 years old – I left the classroom, got into my car, and instead of rejoicing, I cried. The same thing happened when I bought my first condo. I wanted to be independent, to purchase my first home, but then after doing it – all alone and without a spouse – it actually depressed me. I’m telling you all of this to let you know that because you are ambitious, determined, and a very hard worker, it makes sense for you to feel these things. I, too, used to keep a list of all the things that I could do “next” – join the Peace Corps, move to Colorado, go back to school, etc. In the end, I tried to simply enjoy the season that I was in (easier said than done, I know). Be still. Listen. Be patient. The next thing will be revealed in time. At 25, I thought that I was so very ready to be married. But, of course, I wasn’t. I didn’t meet my husband until I was 28 and get married until I was 31. There were some rough years feeling lost in between there, but I eventually learned, like I said, to just embrace where I was and know that God knew the desires of my heart and He would reveal the next steps in my life to me at the best times.

    So, I guess I don’t have much faith to lend you. Or, maybe I do. I have complete faith in you and your future. You’ll figure it out. Or, rather, you’ll be led to your future. Just be still. Listen. Be patient. And do your best to embrace this season. It will pass, as all things do, and you’ll be on to your next life adventure very shortly.

    God Bless!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s