A Recovering Cynic

“I just get pissed and write about stuff.”

When my friend asked me what my mental process for blogging was, I gave her the most honest answer I could.

Perhaps the actually process of blogging is a little more thorough than an anger-driven monologue, but largely I’ve found that I write from place of both passion and pain. Unfortunately, I’ve often seen topics I am passionate about be rejected by evangelicalism, and in so doing have felt rejected as well.

Unfortunately, this is far more routine than I’d like. For instance, as I find biblical roots for feminism, I hear Cedarville declaring “Feminism. We don’t like that team.” As a heart for the poor grows, I get pulled into a conservative rhetoric claiming the poor and immigrants are entitled leaches to society. As I yearn to see the beauty of diversity reflected in evangelicalism, I only see segregation churches.

But lately there have been big issues that have confused me as well. Whether it’s Ken Ham holding more tightly to Creation as the foundational doctrine of Christianity rather than Jesus life/death/resurrection, or World Vision’s flip-flopping on allowing gay men and women in same-sex marriage to work for them, I feel trapped by a zero-sum game of theology that is winner take all.

And it frustrates me.

But instead of writing about it, I decided to pause–to breathe.

A growing cynicism inside me has been boiling over. I’ve struggled with hate towards the most conservative of my brothers and sisters in Christ. I’ve espoused the language they use to describe their particular brand of faith with hypocrisy and fundamentalism. And this growing struggle to love the Church has been inching closer to Christ himself.

I love the Jesus of the Bible, but am dismayed by a church that looks so unlike Him. I fear associating my dismay with the Church with dismay for Christ himself.

Ironically, the break from writing has not helped as much as I would have hoped. In abstaining from writing, I withdrew an attempt to publish an edited version of my blog “Cedarville and Divisive Doctrine: How Doctrine Divides, Not Unites” in The Ventriloquist, and underground newspaper at Cedarville.

Unfortunately, the issue of the Ventriloquist that I would have been published in was forbidden from distribution on campus as President White and Vice President Wood forcibly removed the paper from the distributors hands.

Though perhaps indirectly and coincidentally, Cedarville finds what I have to say worthy of censorship.

Such actions continue to bludgeon my spirit.

Fingers gliding across a keyboard usually gives me some sort of clarity, but I just feel stuck.

But as a meditate on my own stuckness, I realize that it is part of living in the tension of the Now-And-Not-Yet Kingdom of God.

Jesus wants to redeem the world. He wants to redeem us from our stuckness. He wants to redeem us from the law and the stranglehold we continue to make scripture and doctrine.

We are on a trajectory of redemption that I get to be a part in.

And though I get really frustrated that the world is not yet redeemed, I can take hope in Christ continue process of redemption in the world.

Jesus, let hope outweigh my cynicism and let my stuckness pull me into your redemption.


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